This isn’t the post I’d planned to write when I proposed “Taboo Or Not Taboo” as this week’s topic.
I’d intended to attempt a light-hearted piece, accompanied by some provocative graphics, that discussed whether erotica needed to be inherently transgressive or whether we betray ourselves and our readers when we seek to make the violation of the sacrosanct arousing.
OK, when I say it like that it doesn’t sound light-hearted but I’d like to think that I’d have made it work.
Instead I find that I have quite a different message. Perhaps even the message that my subconscious was trying to send to me when I selected the topic. It is time for me to stop being Mike Kimera.
Taboo is derived from a Polynesian word meaning both sacred and forbidden. Taboos are are meant to be markers, lines we should not cross, that honour the sacred and protect us from following instincts that will diminish our humanity.
I am not by nature a rule follower. I am one of those who feels no need to respect the marks others have made when they label this or that behaviours as taboo. Sometimes I descend into a petty, “I’ll do it just to show they can’t stop me” kind of attitude.
Yet there are some things that you should not do, especially if no one has the power to stop you.
Today I realized that I have crossed a line that I should not have crossed and in doing so I have lost something precious to me.
I stopped writing a while back because there was too much emotional turmoil in my life and because I wanted to put my wife back in the centre of my world. I stopped for two years. Then I started again.
I’ve learnt that I need to write. I told myself that by writing again I was doing no harm, that in fact I might be doing myself some good by getting my emotions on the page.
I see now that it isn’t writing that’s the problem; it’s being Mike Kimera.
Mike Kimera is a name I hide behind. Mike Kimera pushes my imagination towards things that I will not admit to in public and which I do not incorporate in my own life. Mike Kimera is someone my wife doesn’t love.
The more time I spend as Mike Kimera, the less time I spend living my real life.
On the whole, I like Mike Kimera. That’s part of the problem. I’ve grown used to having him around, I’m proud of at least some of the stories that he’s written. I’m flattered and pleased that people read his stories and write to him.
It is the nature of taboo things to be attractive; if they held no attraction they wouldn’t need to be protected or forbidden.
I see now that, to be the person I want to be in my real life, to live with authenticity, I must stop mentally sneaking away to be someone else. I should spend that energy in my marriage.
Mike Kimera is a man who sounds like he always knows the answers. I am a man struggling to understand how I came to be where I am: unhappy with myself and unable fully to express the love that I feel for my wife.
I have decided that I will carry on writing, but not as Mike Kimera and not writing erotica. I will write stories I can share with my wife and show to my friends. I will still try to write the truth. I will still listen to hear what the truth tells me about myself.
I hope that I will find my way back to a place where expressing my love is as natural and as necessary as breathing.
My guest on the blog this week is Nikki Magennis, with a great post on book burning. I recommend it to you and I apologise to everyone for my sudden change in direction
This is my last post on “Oh Get A Grip”. I have been honoured to take part in this blog and I wish it continuing success.
My thanks to all of you who have read my stuff.
Good bye and thank you for your kindness.
Mike Kimera's Erotic Fiction 
I didn’t check “like this post” because I was sorry to see “you” go. But I do applaud your motives, and the expression of them, and I certainly envy your wife. “Mike” is you, and you are him. He is part of you and I hope *you* allow some of his sensitivity, sexual imagination, sense of romance to manifest itself in your treasured real life love affair with your wife. Best luck, and thanks for the ride. ;D
I’m heartbroken but I understand and struggle with the same issue. This exploration of darker sides of ourselves…perhaps parts of ourselves that are not acceptable in the light of day…seems to take away from our struggle to be someone better. It’s a place where we have permission to be something that we can’t or shouldn’t be in real life.
Like you said, there is no one to stop you, no safety measures to keep you from becoming something you don’t like, or rather, something you once wouldn’t have liked but have now accepted.
My problem now is that I learn from you. I learn quite a bit. As I struggle to improve my writing, your blog is has been more helpful than anything else. I’ll miss you.
Dark Echos
We’ll miss you, but if this is what you need to do, then you need to do it.
This is all good; and it is a bright journey you have before you. Rather than sad, integration and acceptance are causes for celebration. I believe that you have always written what is “real.” I wish you continuing success, and look forward to reading the new “realer” you.
Seneca
I’m sad to see you go. But I understand your reasons and they are excellent ones. Thank you for leaving your stories here for us to continue to read and enjoy. I wish you success and above all happiness in your new pseudonym.
I understand your reasons, but it still seems a shame – so far (fingers crossed) my writing erotic fiction doesn’t seem to have affected my relationship with my SO (she doesn’t like erotica, but has read some of my stuff and generally approves) – she seems to recognise that I’m more or less driven to do what I do…
If erotica is inherently transgressive, then perhaps it’s because we’ve built up so many taboos specifically around sex & sexuality, and have failed to integrate it into other realms of human experience – it remains the dirty little secret behind the bedroom door, despite the supposed ‘sexualisation’ of culture and the best efforts of Kynsey. To be honest, I don’t think self-censoring is the best way to go about things – after all, murder is taboo but that never stopped anyone writing thrillers, and explicit depictions of violence raise nary an eyebrow, for good or ill. Is it not possible to write stories that revolve around sex, are sexually explicit, and yet can still offer some commentary on human issues? ‘Cause that’s what I’m trying to do.
Apologies for rambling, but I just feel we need all the artists we can get, and it’s depressing to see writers giving up because they feel they ought not to be writing about a particular subject – I don’t want to live in a world of children’s books, and culture rarely progresses without somebody crossing a line somewhere.
I sincerely hope you resolve your issues, and I hope that one day you find your way back to ‘dark side’, if only so you shine a little more light…
Hi Alice,
I agree with you about writing stories about sex that are worth reading. I wrote erotica because I found it brought me to the core of my characters and their situation.I haven’t stopped writing erotica because I’ve changed my mind about the genre. I hope your writing goes well.
I’m so sorry, having only recently discovered your work. It’s good literature, with remarkably full characterization. I respect your reasons very much. I wish they were not so. For my husband and me, it’s different. We share wide-ranging definitions of what our sex lives together are–as long as they are for each other. But I think if either of us were to become very “apart” as such creation as you describe would demand, that would be a problem. I hope your writing and your marriage both continue to flourish.
Wow. My desire for more of your writing is a small disappointment compared to my pleasure at hearing your love for your wife.
There is this, too- things do change and the best changes are the ones that evolve from situations where everyone’s needs are met. By honoring your relationship you are setting the groundwork for stable, secure evolution later. The kind that will be right in all ways.
Congratulations on appreciating what you have, now, instead of realizing it in hindsight after it was lost!